“I’ll borrow this music and tell you”
A Personal Reflection of the SUGA | AGUST D D-Day Concert
Content Warning: discussions of trauma, mental health, traumatic birth, self harm, concert show spoilers
This month, I had the great fortune of attending the SUGA | AGUST D D-Day Concert while he was doing his USA leg of the tour. I caught Day 1 and Day 2 in Los Angeles at the Kia Forum and both Day 1 and Day 2 in Oakland at the Oakland Arena. I got these tickets both through the Ticketmaster sale myself and through friends (at face value! say no to Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing!). Meeting up with friends (some of which I had only met through social media prior to the concerts) each night of the shows was a wonderful experience. I am sure I have lots more to say on the subject of my experience at each of these shows, but for now, I want to talk about my actual experience of the concert itself.
The D-Day album and concert both hold a multitude of themes and stories within them. There are explorations of identity, mental health, ‘public’ versus ‘private’ faces/identities/personas, anger, sorrow, injustice, toxic internet culture, oppression, and trauma. For me, and, I suspect, many of us, these themes can be read in very personal ways.
For context, the show itself is broken into two acts plus an “encore” divided up by short intermissions that had “VCRs” or videos playing on the big screen. The set list was as follows:
Act 1.
- Haegeum
- Daechwita
- Agust D
- give it to me
- Seesaw (acoustic)
- SDL
- People
- People Pt. 2
- Moonlight
- Burn It
Act 2.
- Interlude: Shadow
- Cypher Pt. 3: Killer
- Cypher Pt. 4
- UGH!
- Ddaeng
- HUH?!
- Life Goes On
- Snooze
- Polar Night
- AMYGDALA
Encore.
- D-Day
- Never Mind
- The Last
In the rest of this post, I’ll be walking through the concert with my own personal reflections about the content of the show. I’m going to be giving my interpretations and reflections based on my own life experiences and how I was impacted by the show/music. This, of course, will vary from person to person. That’s what makes music, performance, and art so beautiful.
Aside: I would like to hope it goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) that the production, writing, artistry, and so on of this show was amazing. The entire team behind the concert should be commended for their amazing work. I have been to many concerts in my life from classical to rock, from in a garage to classical music halls. The thoughtfulness and pure art put into this show is just off the charts.
First, to me, the story of the show is an examination of the self. Who am I? How do I fit in the world? Where have I been and where am I going? But beyond that examination of the self, is a deep unraveling of trauma — necessarily, because our histories and traumas are deeply intertwined with who we are. Each night I attended a show, I felt like it was a two hour therapy session, where I had time to be vulnerable with myself, examine myself, and feel the feelings my trauma has brought me.
The opening number, Haegeum, is a clear message about what is going to happen in this show: we are going to lift a ban on all the things we told ourselves we could not talk about. We are going to break free — even if just for the duration of the show. It also sets a very clear tone, auditorily by having the distinct sound of the haegeum being the first music we hear.
The show itself is a slow stripping away both physically and emotionally. The first two acts we have the examination of different personas: Agust D and Suga. Both of these are stage names and personas Min Yoongi has adopted during his career with BTS, each serving different purposes for him as an artist. We also see snippets of his persona from the Bangtan Universe (which I won’t get into here for the sake of brevity). The music flows through these different personas and they are also examined and stripped away (or viciously murdered, as the case may be) in the videos in between the sets. You can get a sense of this in the AMYGDALA music video (please be advised of the self harm content warning and my own personal warning for visualizing trauma).
We see this with the actual stage design as well. Where there is a whole stage in the beginning, panels slowly lift up into the ceiling as the show progresses. This happens throughout, until all that is left is Min Yoongi — the musician stripped of all his various personas — , a floor where the stage used to be, full of wires and equipment, and the audience. Yoongi’s unceremonious departure after he finishes the last song, just turning around and walking off the stage, is the completion of this stripping away.
This physical representation of “stripping away” until there is just rawness and reality left is perhaps, for me, one of the most striking and impactful parts of the show.
Layered within this “stripping away” is also the making vulnerable and exposing trauma for what it is. Trauma is represented here visually and auditorily with rain and a storm, then with the sounds of a car wreck and the boom of cannons from the stage symbolizing the event. For me, it didn’t matter that my trauma was not physically the same — I had a traumatic birth experience where I almost died after giving birth to my eldest child. But I still felt that visceral reaction to the symbols of trauma.
The audience starts Act 1 and ends Act 2 with an almost dream-like sequence of events where Yoongi is lying down on stage. He’s physically brought in by a group of hooded figures in Act 1 and then lifted out and away by the same figures in Act 2. The lying down pose is also featured heavily in the AMGYDALA music video above (and is notably the song he ends Act 2 on).
In fact, the imagery and citation of dreams comes up often in BTS’s lyrics. And in this case, the dream is more like a sequence of nightmares — the processing of trauma and also the aftermath of that trauma. Dreams can be a good thing: we can have dreams to be more, to go further; dreams can relieve us of a current struggle; dreams can be a respite. But dreams can also be a burden: dreams that aren’t attainable; dreams turned to nightmare; dreams that make you wonder what is real; dreams as an escape you can’t escape from. You can find all of these kinds of dreams in BTS lyrics going all the way back to their debut.
Here, the whole show, with its layers of memories triggering memories, dreams within dreams, persona chasing persona, becomes a representation of experiencing trauma and, in my opinion, ending with some hope for the future. The lyrics from AMYGDALA echo this:
I don’t know your name
기억들로 여행
A journey through memoriesI don’t know your name
자 지워보자 하나씩, 그래 하나씩
Let’s erase them all, one by one, yeah, one by one
I think important too, are the choice of encore songs. The final two songs: Never Mind and The Last are both raw, vulnerable songs infused with a lot of meaning for both Yoongi, as an artist, and the audience. Never Mind speaks to outsiders and outside influence that seeks to crush us, but pushing forward regardless.
부딪힐 것 같으면 더 세게 밟아 임마
If you think you’re gonna crash, accelerate even harder, you idiotNever mind
And The Last gives us our final glimpse at all the layers that are Min Yoongi and his various personas — giving us a raw, vulnerable human being.
가끔씩 나도 내가 무서워
Sometimes I’m afraid of myself자기 혐오와 다시 놀러 와 버린 우울증 덕분에
Thanks to self-hatred and depression that came to play again이미 민윤기는 죽었어 (내가 죽였어)
Min Yoongi has already died (I killed him)죽은 열정과 남과 비교하는 게 나의 일상이 되 버린 지 오래
It’s been a long time since it became my daily life to compare my dead passion to others
Finally, in this short reflection of the concert, I want to touch upon the range of emotions this show highlights. Trauma doesn’t just include fear or sadness, although those can be present. Trauma is also about anger and frustration. Trauma is eventually, hopefully, about acceptance. I love that this show, through the set list and stage, explores all of these emotions.
I love the message that it’s okay to feel all of these emotions — the rage, anger, fear, frustration, hurt, love, forgiveness, hope. There’s just something truly humbling and connecting about being a human with human feelings in an arena full of other humans with their human feelings. It’s healing.
Through this show, surrounded by my friends, my community, by thousands of people who feel the same sense of belonging — for a brief moment in time together in this place — I ask myself these questions: Who am I? How do I fit in the world? Where have I been and where am I going? Perhaps, importantly, this was time where I got to just be. For that I am eternally grateful.
이 음악을 빌려 너에게 나 전할게
I’ll borrow this music and tell you사람들은 말해 세상이 다 변했대
People say the world has changed다행히도 우리 사이는 아직 여태 안 변했네
Thankfully, between you and I, it’s still the same
I’ll leave this essay with my most important impression. After Yoongi rages through his cyphers, UGH!, Ddaeng, and HUH?!, he takes a moment to have the audience repeat the Cypher Pt. 4 lyrics (without accompanying music).
I love I love I love myself
I love I love I love myself
I know I know I know myself
Ya playa haters
you should love yourself
The end of the day, BTS and each of their members still have the same message: love yourself. You are worth it. You deserve it. The struggles you’ve faced and the joys you’ve shared make up the wonderful human being that is you. So, cherish that in whatever way you can. And let’s hope together for better days ahead.
Some of my related essays:
Full translations of Korean lyrics of the D-Day album and other BTS music can be found: https://doolsetbangtan.wordpress.com/d-day/
*All images and videos are my personal footage from the concerts in LA and Oakland.
